Category: This Will Help

House Cleaning Tips

  • Choose grout in the colour of mould.
  • Wear Fridge Mittens with stainless steel appliances, to eliminate fingerprints. Works for dishwashers and stoves too.
  • Support the fledgling industry of Cat Clothing, by wearing clothes woven from cat fur. This will free up all the time and money spent on lint brushes.
  • Install tile in 4 x 8 sheets, like drywall, thus eliminating the need for mould coloured grout.
  • Take a tip from the Scandinavians, and fall in love with blonde wood. It makes dust invisible using the same magic of the cloaks that the elves gave to Frodo.
  • Embrace your inner John Pawson and build floor to ceiling storage walls with slab doors in every room. That way, everything you own is hidden from view, making clean up a snap.

Indoor Cats and Men In Black

We thought it would be a good idea to put a Kitty Holster on one of our indoor cats and let him walk around on the lawn at the cabin.

Mistake.

The minute we brought him back inside, he laid on his side trying to rip the bottom off the screen door and howled for three hours. The Call of the Wild had seduced him.

I had to administer Cat Rescue Remedy drops into his cat mouth, which is the cat equivalent of the Men In Black neuralyzer in the face to wipe out his memory of being outside.

It worked. Added bonus – now he doesn’t believe in aliens either.

Dogmatism and Catmatism

Avoid books with dogmatic titles like “You’re Not Sick, You’re Thirsty.”

At some point you will be sick and you won’t recover.

It’s called the thing that kills you.

Or, you can be catmatic and ignore my dogmatic assertion about books with advice about imbibing various liquids.

Dogs and Cats – not just pets, but escape routes from the pressure of thinking.

High School Chips and Gravy

When I look into the faces of a choir, my faith in humanity is temporarily restored.

I like choral music and I have had the opportunity to attend a variety of concerts. As I look at each person individually as they sing, I can’t help but put a positive projection on them as wonderful people. Nobody looks like a prick.

We need to be careful about who we overlook. Who would have thought that the overweight woman with the short, frizzy hair, who we assume has a humble day job of serving fries and gravy in the school cafeteria – has the voice of an angel? All the choir members do. They all look so happy. They all look like good people.

It must be the music. Maybe today, listen to a rousing, majestic, beautiful, old fashioned hymn, and see how it makes you feel.

Sturgeon’s Law

Spring is here and you know what that means. Church and neighbourhood yard sales.

Sturgeon’s Law states that 90% of Everything is Crap. Accordingly, we all should have a ton of stuff to donate by applying this law to our lives. Pack Rats take note: You who accept everything in a wonderful, non-judgemental, inclusive way without prejudice – remember, garbage dumps do the same thing.

The yard sale is the middle man. Play a game with yourself if you are having a hard time deciding what to get rid of – ‘Would I take it if I moved?’

Probably not, so donate now. Those unaware of Teddy Sturgeon will thank you.

How to Appear Intelligent

We all find ourselves at one time or another feeling the discomfort of being on the receiving end of the cognitively endowed. (If not, it means all our social interactions are with stupid people.) Or perhaps, through no fault of our own, we were born to swim in the shallow end of the gene pool.

Relief is at hand. When the cockalorum is spouting off and you don’t have a clue what they are talking about, just stay silent. When they have finished enlightening you, respond with “I thought so.”

You just plundered their intelligence, like a pirate. And they were none the wiser. The key is to never ask a question. Just pretend you knew it all along.

A Few Dystopian Words and Phrases for Your Enjoyment

  • Sheeple
  • Pharmageddon
  • CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer
  • Evilarchy and Pathocracy and Cryptocracy
  • Fighting for G.O.D. (gold, oil, drugs)
  • SuiCIAicide
  • Deadnaming and Misgendering
  • The Twitchfork Mob
  • FBI – Federal Bureau of Insurrection
  • Alternative Facts
  • President O-Bomb-A
  • Goebbelsphere – the mainstream media
  • Free Trade – privatize the profits, socialize the debt
  • America – One Nation Under Fraud
  • Philanthrocapitalism – venture capital dressed up as philanthropy
  • A Testiphonial
  • The FDA – the fraud and death administration
  • Monsantocide
  • IMF – International Mother F*****s
  • Social Media – The Distractosphere
  • Surveillance is Freedom
  • Debt = Wealth
  • Generation Rx
  • Lobbyists – that kind of money can buy a lot of corruption
  • Incidentaloma – abnormal finding that has no impact on patients health
  • Ethanol – Growing food to feed cars
  • The Ig Nobel Prize
  • Vacci-Nation
  • Truth Decay
  • CDC – Centre for Disease Creation
  • Greenwashing
  • Ham-a-geddon – the next swine flu epidemic

And because it’s healthy to laugh, I will end with two items of unrelated humour from The Onion:

“World Mortality Rate Holds Steady at 100%”

“Veteran Affairs to Improve Veterans Health Care with New $500 Million Dollar Waiting Room.”

This Will Help

Set out a to-do list each day for the initiative challenged retiree.

It’s the sixty year old version of idiot mittens.

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